Man, I’m screwing things up big time. I know nothing of this “CSS” business and so I’m kind of making it up as I go along and, if you’ve paid a visit over the last hour or so, you can tell how horribly wrong it can all get. So I found this new theme that I’m pretty sure I can safely mess with. We’ll see. Wish me luck.

Check it out, party people! I’ve found the template I’m going to use for my upcoming blog overhaul. Trust me, when I’ve got the site finished, it won’t look anything like this. It will look cool. The first change (which will see shortly), will be the background color.

Rock and roll!

I made a new masthead. Pretty cool, huh? Well… That’s all I wanted to say for now. Good bye. 

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of Batman and Emergency, two television shows that shared something in common. No, not real people acting as heroes, but real people acting as heroes who parked their vehicles so that they wouldn’t have to put them in reverse when they were summoned to save the day. The Emergency fire truck, of course, pulled in backwards after they had saved the day and had a little time to park the truck that way. The Bat Mobile, however, turned around with the aid of a giant turntable that I assumed Batman and Robin constructed themselves.

I dug this backward parking. I dug the car facing towards the impending crisis. The door (or door covered in foliage and bramble) would fly open, the vehicle would fly forward, unencumbered by a two- or three-point turned. 

I was 12.

Now, it seems, there are others who wish to save the day or thwart crime or rescue kittens from trees and so they park their vehicles backwards. The problem is, none of these vehicles is a Bat Mobile or a fire truck or even a security golf cart. They are SUVs and big ass trucks and sports cars. They are, in my opinion, mere mortals who aspire to be something greater and so park like greater souls. 

The problem is, they’re coming off like morons.

Actually, here’s the problem: Let’s say it takes, say, four units of time to pull into and out of a parking space. When you pull into a parking space, it should take roughly two units of time to get there. When you leave, barring any traffic behind you, another two units of time to get out. But when you pull into a parking space backwards, it takes three units of time to pull in and then two units of time to pull out, thereby exceeding your allotted time by one unit.

And for what? So that you can come screaming out of your parking space and whoop up on the Joker? No. Just so you can show off the mad grill of your late model environmental hazard.

Stop it, people. Just stop it. Unless there is a door or some other portal which you must back up to in order to unload parcels or other sundry objects through said portal, there is absolutely no reason to pull into a parking space backwards. None. Matters are made worse when the parking spaces are at a slight angle and not perpendicular to the flow of traffic.

It’s little things like this that ruin our culture. Not directly and I only have a vague idea of how it would ruin our culture indirectly, but it’s there. You’re ruining things.

Thank you. 

Some time ago, I was reading an article in The Believer, I think, between a couple of writers or artists¹ like I’m sure I like and they talked at fairly great length about this cat named “George Saunders.” They seemed to really like him. And, since I admired and respected the work of whoever it was that was talking, I figured maybe I should check out this George Saunders for myself. Which I’m glad I did, because this dude rocks.

So far, these are the books I’ve read:

The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil - It’s short, which helps. I’m not sure if you’d call this an allegory or what, but it’s a hoot, too. The illustrations are a little odd, which only adds to the fun. It’s a great introduction to a writer who needs more attention. The story is about a crappy little country surrounded by a bigger, crappier country who elects Phil to run the smaller one. Two thumbs up!

Pastoralia - A collection of short stories, Pastorlia was my first exposure to Saunders at length. This one really rocks. He has this amazing ability to be both brutally honest and remarkably silly. I can’t pick a favorite here because, well, they’re all little treasures. What I particularly like, though, is how he uses punctuation to mimic a character’s speech patterns. Also, he uses the word “poop” quite a bit and that is not a bad thing. Five stars!

The Braindead Megaphone - Detour! Whereas my first two experiences with the Writer Saunders have been of a completely (or at least mostly) fictional ilk, this is all factual. I guess. It’s a collection of essays - some which skirt the facts a little more than others - but all rock. Granted, I’m not as big a fan of some of the purely factual pieces (Like The New Mecca) but there are plenty of silly pieces in here, most notably A Brief Study of the British and Ask the Optimist! Listen, take a look at the new releases at any bookstore and you’ll see there’s no shortage of crap available for your enjoyment. Or frustration. So when you find a writer like Saunders, you kind of flip out and start preachin’ the gospel, as it were. So consider this my testimony. 10 out of 10!

1. I’m pretty sure it was either Dave Eggers, Jack Black or Lemony Snicket [↩]

I’ve downloaded this plugin that looks pretty cool that’s supposed to add the ability to create footnotes.¹

1. This should prove whether it works. [↩]

Happy holidays, all ya’ll. As you can see, I’ve started revamping this thing and I’m making a solemn pledge to continue to work on it and make it chock full of all sorts of things. Please. Stick with me. Thank you.