Fun Facts About Me

  1. Under ideal conditions, I can levitate.
  2. I remember a time before the Internet. It was slow and quiet and everyone scurried about looking for places where they could talk with other people without being physically with them. Contrary to what you may think, we do not call these the "good old days." However, we did have eBay and since it wasn't electronic we didn't have the "e" at the beginning so we just called it "bay" and it was damp.
  3. Like Ernest Hemingway, I have read my own obituary a number of times. Unlike Ernest Hemingway, I actually wrote most of mine.
  4. I appeared on season 1 of MTV's "The Real World" under my stage name, Eric Nies, and then again on season 12 (Las Vegas) under my other stage name, Alton Williams.
  5. Do you like ice cream? I invented it.
  6. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
  7. Before his untimely passing, I met Michael Crichton at a cocktail party. He told me about this book he was writing about a theme park inhabited by sea monkeys and lemurs. I shook my head and said, "No, Michael. Think bigger. Think much, much bigger." The rest is history.
  8. I was country before country was cool.
  9. "Intrigue" is my middle name.
  10. Not a day passes that I'm not involved in some sort of donnybrook or fracas. This is because I love the words donnybrook and fracas.
  11. I am the walrus.
  12. I am a horse talker. I am like a horse whisperer but horses enjoy my company more than the horse whisperers because I'm easier to hear and the horses don't constantly have to say, "Come again?"
  13. My right arm is bionic. Check it out.
  14. I have a photographic memory which means I can post my thoughts on flickr. However, I choose not to.
  15. I am constantly kicked out of casinos because I don't call it "craps," I call it "shits."
  16. Scientists refuse to clone me for fear of over-populating the world with nasty.
  17. Did you know at one time the Great Wall of China was actually chain link? Guess who fixed that mess!
  18. As the highest bidder in a charity auction, NBC Sports president Dick Ebersol learned the identity of the man Carly Simon sang about in her 1972 smash hit, "You're So Vain." She whispered these words into his ear, "It would have been about Kuenzer, but he was six at the time."
  19. I have soared amongst the stars on gossamer wings of dreams. It's neat!
  20. One night, many, many years ago, in an opium den somewhere in Sri Lanka, Dr. Jonas Salk and I developed a cure for the common cold. When we awoke the next day, we had completely forgotten the cure. Also, we were in a bathtub filled with ice and our kidneys were gone. That trip blew.
  21. I could be a high-paid magician in Las Vegas were I not allergic to sparkly garments.
  22. I am Spartacus.
  23. It's true, I can smell fear. This prevents me from traveling to Branson, Missouri.
  24. I am barred – for life, mind you – from entering the home of Tommy Lee for that crazy thing I did that one time.
  25. There are those who accuse me of loving too much. Alas, I am guilty as charged.